Maybe that's the wrong picture.
These ads won't give you a headache.
Maybe they'll bring you laughter. That was the point.
But, I'm sure some of the people who read them asked, wtf is going on?
My friend and I went half on some furntiture that a lady was selling before her trek across the country. They're pretty nice pieces, and I wouldn't mind keeping one or two.
But alas, we decided to sell em' and make a small profit fortune.
I hoped on the usual suspects; offerup, craigslist, myspace...and looked at some similar postings with furniture/tables. Then, I looked at other postings. I did this because I wanted to see if anyone made their posts spicy instead of the routine, Hi this is a chair. It's wood. It's flat, and you can sit in it. About 3 feet high. Really good quality. Call xxx-xxx-xxxx."
But I didn't see any spicy ones.
So, I decided to make our posts a little wacky, and a lot of ridiculous.
We've gotten some bites so far...and nobody has commented on the descriptions...maybe nobody is reading them.
Here's all 5 (they're short reads, all of em'):
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Title: Imposing Mahogany Table with Inconspicuous Storage Drawers
Nobody likes cheap furniture.
If you prefer wasting your time with mind-numbing ikea assembly manuals and banging your head against the wall, this beaut’ ain’t for you.
But if you want a solid, sturdy, and beautiful mahogany table that’ll wow your guests and take the attention away from your dirty carpet, look no further.
I got just the piece for you.
Introducing the only mahogany table you will ever need.
Put your feet on it, put your bud light on it...heck do your taxes on this thing. 2 minutes with some lemon pledge and your dust sock and this thing looks brand new.
All jokes aside, this baby is thic. It’s built to last.
The specs on this bad girl are as follows:
48 inches / 4 feet long
25.5 inches / 2.125 feet wide
19 inches / ~1.5 feet high
But you better hurry. Gram Gram just called and wants to have it examined on Antiques Roadshow...I don’t know how long I can keep it from her.
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Title: Hard Working Oak Coffee Table w/ Soul
Sure, go ahead. Buy a coffee table from Ikea. I dare you.
But…let me warn you.
It’s gonna arrive in a box: Coffee tables should never come in a box.
It’s gonna have an anxiety inducing assembly manual: Why the heck does a coffee table come with an assembly manual? Wood should never have to be “assembled”, it’s from a tree for crying out loud!
It’s gonna be lifeless and empty: A coffee table is the “face of your living room”. It should be organic, unique, and not plastic. Let’s help our environment folks, adopt an oak coffee table today #greencoffeetables
I’m gonna be forthcoming with you….this adorable coffee table isn’t fresh off the tree. It’s got some character. But you know what it still does super well?
Stay flat, stay solid, and keep siht on top of it….while remaining super cute and quaint at the same time.
The specs on this renegade are as follows:
60 inches / 5 feet long
24.5 inches / 2 feet wide
17 inches / ~1.5 feet high
She needs a home but she’s not desperate. She knows her job and she does it effectively, so I can’t let her go for pennies on the dollar. Have some respect. Give me a buzz today.
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Title: Dignified Marble Table w/ Shrewd Wood Under-table
Everyone loves a marble table but nobody wants to fork over the Benjie's.
Lucky for you…
You won’t have to.
This wunderkind is going at a fair price...for everything it offers.
Did I mention the shrewd little under-table? (so you can rest your little toesies comfortably without putting them on top of the table and pissing off mum)
Or the astounding marble itself? (well built and able like a strapping young man)
Or what about the table's feet? Cast iron and stylish. No I’m not talking about your great pop pops musket.
This first round draft pick can be yours. Here’s its metrics from the combine:
43 inches / ~3.5 feet long
28.5 inches / 2.375 feet wide
21 inches / 1.75 feet high
I’m even letting it go without a signing bonus, and it doesn’t come with a wide receivers attitude. This stud can be yours today, give me a call.
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Title: Sophisticated Glass Table w/ Space Age Chair Set (4)
Have you ever traveled to the moon?
Of course not.
And this table set won’t take you there either. But, it does have 4 groovy chairs and a big ole’ hunk of transcendent glass that’s crystally as heck. Seriously, when you look at it you can’t even tell there’s any glass.
This baby is perfect for Sunday brunch with copious amounts of Sangrias and Mimosas to combat your abhorrent hangover.
OR, throw a tablecloth on this stunna’ and serve pancakes to the kidlets.
Poker tourney with the boys? BAM. This thing Aces the test.
Holiday dinner? E-Z.
Coffee with an old friend? Are you kidding me.
This beaut’ is an overachiever.
Take a look at her specs:
43 inches / ~3.5 feet wide
31 inches / ~2.5 feet high
Chair 1: Adaptable
Chair 2: Resourceful
Chair 3: Intuitive
Chair 4: Competent
Be a part of this things life today and you’ll thank me later.
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Title: Intuitive Glass Mirror w/ Imitating Features
Everybody struggles with their self identity on some level…
Yet with the right mirroring device you can learn how to approach yourself comfortably on an everyday basis.
I gotta tell ya...I’ve seen a lot of mirrors in my life.
And there’s really nothin’ special about this one.
It’s thic as hell and gargantuan. It’s a heavy little bas---. But, you know the one thing it excels at better than any other mirror?
Showing you yourself. That’s right. When you stare into this busybody it shows you in all your glory. I’ve dabbled with other mirrors here and there...and let me tell ya...some of them suck at their job.
I got this one mirror right, it lies to me on a daily basis. It’s one of those skinny mirrors and yours truly is a little fed up. So, why am I selling this stunna’?
I’d rather have money.
But, that shouldn’t take away from it’s magical powers. Here’s how it weighed in:
41.5 inches / ~3.5 feet high
24.5 inches / ~2 feet wide
Glass: More eager than Ron Weasley.
If you’re in need of a sturdy, competent, and indigent reflection apparatus, I’d really like to turn this baby loose to you. Drop me a line today.
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